Introducing My Son!

Matthew Stertz (M) was adopted today. He is now my son. I am no longer his foster parent. I am now his mom. I am happy to see this journey come to an end and will cherish this day forever.

Becoming A Family

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National Adoption Month

It is national adoption month. A year ago I was silently hoping that I would be able to announce a new addition to our family but it isn't going to happen. Or at least not this month. So instead of intrudicing my son to the world (which I am hoping will happen by this time next year), I will try to answer some question and misperceptions that I hear on a regular basis.

1) Yes. My children are real brothers. If you ever doubt that, just watch them interact. The older loves to get the younger in trouble and the younger wants to do everything the older one does. I am becoming an expert at sibling rivalry. I just wish I was better at dealing with it.

2) A child can have more than two real parents at a time. Everyone thinks of parents as one mom and one dad. The truth is both of my children have two real moms. The moms who gave birth to them and me. We all love these little boys, are about them and pray for them. I am the mother spending every day with them and caring for them but that doesn't mean their first moms don't love them any less. I have told foster and birth parents that children can have more than one mom at at time and it doesn't change the relationship with either of them.

3) You do not have to be biologically related to be family. This kind of goes back to the first two. We are a real family and just as valuable and unique as any other family.

4) Not all adults who choose to adopt dealt with infertility. While it is true that some adults adopt after dealing with fertility problems, not all of them do. I chose to adopt without ever trying to have a child biologically. Adoption was right for me and it is right for a lot of famiiles.

5) God didn't plan for my children's birth families to be unable to care for them. He just matched us up when their families couldn't care for them. I don't know why some parents are better able to care for their children than others. It's not my job to question it. I just know that God sent my children to me to be my children and that it was a match made in heaven.

6) As my 3 year old said yesterday, you can't choose who your family is. Only God gets to decide that. I didn't "choose" my children. God led me to my children. I just followed his calling.

7) Not all foster children, internationally adopted or children adopted at older ages have serious behavioral challenges. Yes, abuse and neglect and institutional care can cause children to develop behavior problems but the extent and duration of those problems vary from one child to another. Many do not qualify as having behavorial distrubances or mental illnesss. They are just children who have learned certain behaviors as survival skills. As time goes on, they learn new behaviors and can let the old ones that cause problems in their safe homes go away. Most of these kids are just kids and most will never have a "diagnosis."

8) Adoption is not for everyone. While I would love for all children seeking new families to be able to find them, I realize that adoption is not for everyone. While I do truly believe that our children quickly become just our kids no matter how they come to us, some people can never be comfortable knowing a child has another family out there. Other people are unable to get past their own issues regarding race and diversity to parent a child who does not look like them. That is okay. I know that as much as I wish I could eradicate the world of racism and discrimination, I can't. I just ask those people to keep their opinions to themselves and not adopt or foster children who do not look like them.

9) Many children need loving homes. Being a foster parent means parenting for and with another parent while waiting for the courts to decide if the child will be returned. Most children are reunited with their families which is wonderful. For those children who can't go home, they often find new families with their foster families. To be a foster parent you just need to be willing to love a child unconditionally for however long they are with you and be willing to work with and accept the birth family. It's not an easy job but it is very rewarding.

10) Our family is just like every other family 99% of the time. We have our good days and our bad days. We have people who love us and support us. We turn to our friends and family when we need help and we love each other unconditionally. We wake up in the morning, have the same mad dash out the door every other family has and miss each other while we attend work and school. We gather together for an evening meal, are busy with sports, swimming, church and other activities and end the day with a bedtime story and lots of hugs and kisses. Just like any other family. We came together through many miracles and are a family just like any other.

I once saw a quote that went something like this. Child birth is an act of nature. Adoption is an act of God.

Doubting My Parenting Skills

I love to be complimented just like anyone else and since this is my blog I can brag a little. I admit that over the past few weeks I have questioned my parenting abilities and skills. The whole day care drama had me doubting my ability to adequately parent my children or even assess them. Was my mama bias so huge that I couldn't see how disturbed my children were or their severe behavioral disabilities? I saw them as normal and happy children who could be challenging at times just like any other kid. Everyone away from the day care told me that my children were wonderful and fine but I still had this doubt lingering. It caused me to be overly critical of anything the children or I did that might look like a behvioral problem. While it definitelly caused me to be harder on the kids than normal, I internalized most of it and just worried.

The early childhood evaluator stopped by earlier this week and we talked for quite awhile about my kids. We had actually talked about two weeks earlier at length on the phone. Over the phone she stated they sounded like normal children who are thriving and not afraid to explore the world. I was hoping she would be able to see M and Jacob on Thursday but Jacob was sick so she only got to see M.

The evaluator was not only very happy with how M is doing and what evidence she could see of Jacob (good school evaluation, artwork and things M told her about him)she thanked me for being a foster parent. She stated my children appear to be thriving and she was impressed with my parenting skills. She also stated that she doesn't often tell people they should have more children but she believes I could have ten and handle it all. She stated she hopes I continue to work as a foster parent and adopt more children.

The truth is I am not sure how much longer I will be a foster parent. I have begun preparing for a career change and am not sure that I will remain in foster care. I know I am not accepting any new placements for awhile until I decide where my next child will be from and when I will be ready to accept that child. Life needs to slow down a little before I try to help my family and a child learn to live together. Foster children often need lots of time and attention to begin to feel safe and overcome their past abuse and trauma. I just don't have that kind of time right now. God will lead me to the child that is right for my home. He led me to Jacob and M and He will show me my next child also. I know this. I just really don't think it will be 10 kids!

Are You A Foster Child?

I attended a foster parent forum last night. As people entered the room, one of the foster parents kept commenting that parents were in this room and teenage foster children were meeting next door. I didn't think much about it but did find it odd since some of the parents entering the room did not appear to have teenagers with them or were talking about younger children.

After the forum was over the foster mom approached me. She stated she wanted to apologize for making comments about the teens meeting next door. She stated she thought I was a foster child and just wanted to make sure I was in the right place. I told her no apology was needed. And it isn't. I am pleased that at 32 years old I was mistaken for a teenager. It was a great feeling.

Remembering My Dreams

Someone once said that nothing worth while is easy. Or maybe that it is everything worth while is worth a fight. Or maybe it was something about God gives us challenges and difficult times so we grow and recognize our blessings when we see them. Or maybe it is none of these statements but yet they all seem to ring true to me tonight.

It seems as though I have been "fighting" to get the life I want for awhile now. It actually started five years ago. I was sitting at my father's house talking to him about a potential job opportunity. I was nearing the end of the hiring process for a job in Sheboygan, Wisconsin as a police officer. It was my dream job. Or so I thought at the time. I had also been considering adopting my first child. My dad reminded me that if I moved three hours away, I would be on my own as a first time mom. I not only wouldn't have my parents nearby but I also wouldn't have the strong support network of friendships that take time to build. I thought about what he said and decided to pull out of the hiring process. I looked at it as a choice between becoming a mother and accepting a job I had been dreaming about for years. I chose my child and it was by far the right decision.

The decision was the right one but it didn't make my struggle to find a job I felt was right for me. Even five years ago, I knew that staying at my current job was not what God was calling me to do. HE has a different plan for me and for my family. Now, I'm not complaining. I went back to school while I waited for Jacob to come home and discovered that my dream job of teaching also wasn't right. While I enjoyed the children, I really didn't love it the way I knew I should. Or at least love it as a new teacher should. I stopped attending school once Jacob came home and decided to wait for the inspiration and to figure out what direction God was calling me in.

It wasn't long before I realized that it was time to begin the search for my next child. I knew he was out there waiting and I had a strong feeling he was going to come through foster care. I was right. M came to me almost two years ago. Yet I also knew God had more plans for me. So my quest to fulfill God's plans continued.

I finally found a career that I love and am passionate about. No, it's not a career many people choose. I do believe a trainer, Cornelius Bird, was correct. It is a career that chooses it's workers not one that workers choose. Yet somehow I have been chosen. I just struggle to ge that first job. I loved my internship. Every crazy moment of it. I wanted to have my own case load more than anything and to really build on those foundation skills I learned.

Tonight I hope I got one stepper closer. I had the chance to talk to the hiring supervisor and the subsitute care supervisor at the agency I really want to work for. I realize no job is perfect. I will have good days and bad days at any job. But to have the chance to start at a job I love and feel that passion again is something I really desire. Will I love a job in child protective services for the next thirty years? I don't know. But I do know I loved the "taste" that I got last year and dream of the chance to work in the field again.

Tonight was a chance to network. It was a chance to spend time listening to foster parents with a lot more experience than me talk about what they like and don't like about the current foster care system. I took careful notes when they spoke about what they like and don't like about the social workers on their foster children's cases. Insight that as a worker, I won't hear as candidly or very often. Yet insight that can only help me to be a better worker. That is if I ever get the chance.

The agency I hope to work for will begin a new hiring process later this month or next month. I don't know how well I will do. I do know that I will give it my best. I have let the people in charge know who I am. I have gotten the credential I need to start. Now, I just need to fill out the application and hope for the best. If it doesn't happen now, I will keep trying. If it is in God's plans for me to work there, I will eventually get the job. When the timing is right.

As far as my children go. I know the answer to that. They were each the right choice and sent to me by God. I don't beleive it was in His plans for the circumstances to happen surrounding their birth families. I won't begin to understand why they were sent to me. I do believe that while the reasons for the children needing new families may not have been God's will, their finding their way to my home and my arms was. It was God's second plan for these children and one that I am priviliged and blessed to be a part of. Now, is there a third child out there for me? If it is in God's plans it will be. Time will tell. For now, I am counting my blessings and not life's challenges and problems.

Memorial Day Thoughts and Thanks

Today is Memorial Day. Three years ago, Jacob and I started a new family tradition. It was his first Memorial Day in the United States and he was a new American. I took him in his stroller and we walked about 20 minutes to the local parade. We bought breakfast at McDonald's near the parade route and ate it while we sat in the grass waiting for the parade. It was a great time and we have repeated it every year since then. It is why I try hard to get this holiday off work.

Memorial Day has taken on new meaning since I took my first international trip to Peru and even more after I became a mom. My first trip to Peru, I realized how blessed we are in this country. It is the land of opportunity. Yes, it is harder to succeed if you grow up in certain areas or families but I have seen enough people come from very difficult childhoods to be successful adults. Whether it was my friend whose aunt and uncle raised him in a low-income neighborhood and left him mostly unsupervised, my friend who was adopted from foster care at age 13, a fellow student who was severly abused as a child or any of the countless other people I have met, they all show it is possible to make your dreams come true here. It is a gift that many other people around the world will never experience.

I always get slightly emotional when the soldiers and flags go by during the parade. I remember all the blessings I have. I think about my children and how in so many other countries we would not be allowed to exist. Single parenthood is never tolerated and sometimes outlawed. In this country, I do run into resistance occassionally. People who think my children would be better off in other families. People who as why I "just don't get married." People who assume I am unethical and immoral because my children and I don't "match."

Yet mostly we receive support and love. Most people get excited when they ask about M's adoption. We have become somewhat of role models for other people looking to adopt children. A month doesn't go by that someone doesn't approach me looking for answers about foster care adoption or international adoption. Many people ask if I am done having children. When I tell them I want one more someday, they get excited and begin telling me where they think my next child should come from. At this time, I don't know when that child will come or from where. I am still waiting for God to tell me.

This Memorial Day I want to say thank you. Thank you to the civilian emergency responders who protect me and my family on the homefront. Thank you to the military members who protect us overseas and protect our borders. America is not perfect but it has given me more blessings than I could ever imagine. I love this country and am glad we live here.

Challenges and Excitement

It has been one of those weeks that are full of challenges but also fun and excitement. Here is a summary of the week.

- Our house has been dealing with some lingering effects of child neglect. There are days that I get really frustrated but know that the behaviors are what once helped this child to survive. I just wish people would consider the lasting effects their actions have on their children. I don't ever hate the abusers but I do hate the abuse. I don't know if that even makes sense to most people but it is how I can work with parents who abuse their children. There are so many reasons behind why the abuse occurred that I try not to judge the parents. Rather I just work with the children and parents to overcome past abuse and prevent future abuse.

- Jacob started t-ball last weekend. I have some great pictures if/when I have time to call the cable company and find out why my internet is not working. Jacob spent the first game laying in the dirt, the second game twirling around on third base and chewing on his glove and the last game standing by the other team's third base coach pretending he was the coach also. He even asked the coach questions about what he was doing and had the coach teaching him how to coach!

-Jacob loves to bat and is getting pretty good at hitting the ball off the team. He enjoys running the bases afterwards. Another boy on Jacob's team just likes hitting the ball. Every at bat, he calmly hits the ball as hard as he can. He then casually walks back to the dugout smiling and looking relaxed. He is definitely the calmest batter I have every seen. I love 4-year-old t-ball! Just don't expect a lot of actual baseball.

-M had his 3rd birthday. We celebrated with a party at a nearby YMCA. M and his friends had a great time. His favorite gift was a road mat that he can drive his matchbox cars on. Jacob picked it out for him. Sometimes the simplist toys are the best.

- I started playing softball again. This was the first time I have ever played slow pitch. It was different but fun. We won the game! We will be playing on Monday nights. After the game I asked Jacob if he saw anyone laying on the ground or chewing on their glove. He stated, "No. They did that while I was at the playground."

- My parents returned from a trip to Italy. I haven't heard how it went yet. They got back late last night. My brother was kind enough to come to town to pick them up from the airport. Thanks Chuck!

-I watched a JV soccer game. One of the kids I mentor, B, was playing. She is a really good athlete and I always enjoy watching her play.

- The weather finally warmed up and I grilled salmon for the first time. It wasn't a big hit with the kids but I enjoyed it. I plan to grill it again tonight but this time I'll grill something else for the kids.

- My grades for the semester came in. They were slightly lower than last semester. I had a lot going on. I wasn't able to study at work much, M's case made significant progress and I had to complete an adoption study (for when he is finally legally free) and my foster home license had to be renewed. I was pleased that I did as well as I did in school with everything else going on.

- The kids and I had a picnic lunch with two friends at the zoo on Monday. It was fun to finally be able to spend time together outside in the sunshine.

Jacob, M and I really enjoyed our first week free from school. It was nice to have evenings free and even a few days off work. I plan to take time to relax and enjoy life every day this summer. The fall semester will be here too soon...

Strength

I met a woman this year who has to be the strongest woman I have ever met. Her story will be airing on the Discovery Channel on May 3 at 8 PM. She suffered extreme abuse as a child and developed Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multi-personality disorder) as a result. I am not an expert in this disorder but do understand that it is a survival mechanism for young children who experience severe physical, sexual and emotional abuse. The children cannot escape the abuse physically so they escape emotionally by becoming someone else or leaving mentally. The disorder can continue to effect them as throughout life but they can recover with help from professionals.

Just the thought of children surviving such horrific situations that these people go through is amazing. I listened to her talk yesterday and thought about other children I know. There strength and resilience is amazing and something I only wish I had. The next time you meet a child who as foster or former foster labels attached to them, remember how much these children have come through. Some of them have more behavioral or mental health effects than others but they are all extremely brave and strong to just survive what they have experienced. My prayers go out to all of them and the caring adults trying to love and help these children heal.

A Look Into 2010

Here are some things I am expecting and anticipating in 2010.

1) Finish 2 more semesters of grad school. Hopefully do as well as the first semester but at least pass the classes.

2) Finish my internship.
3) Find a job in child welfare?

4) Get my social work certification. I will be able to get it in May and it should help with the job search.

5) Complete another adoption home study. This one will be child specific. I am sure you can figure out which child. There is a chance that I will be able to start it at the end of January. Fingers and toes crossed and a lot of prayers.

6) Jacob will finish 3 year old preschool and start 4 year old preschool. He may actually start to read some easy books this year :)

7) Matt will start 3-year-old preschool! I can't believe I will have 2 preschoolers next fall.

8) No more diapers! M should be toilet trained this year and I won't have to buy diapers anymore. Or at least for a couple years :)

9) Camping! I really do miss camping. I was a little afraid to take the kids last summer but they are both ready this year.

10) Jacob will probably pass the final level of preschool swimming lessons. He is close now and will then repeat the final level until he is old enough to start youth lessons.

11) Culture camp? I am debating taking Jacob to his first Ethiopian culture camp. If I have a new job that doesn't require weekends this should be easier.

12) Watching Jacob and M continue to grow and build a strong brother relationship. Adoption is full of miracles but the actual court ceremony is just a detail. The true adoption begins in our hearts. One day in court just makes what our hearts and souls already know is the truth. I have 2 sons and whether or not we are able to legally be a family in 2010 or 2011 the truth is already here. You can see it in the way my boys love each other and the smiles on all of our faces as we enjoy each day together. Becoming a family is a process. One that we accomplished in 2009. Now to get through the court process and convince the social workers and judge that we are.

Still Struggling With Death

My kids both have fears of being orphaned. Jacob still remembers waiting for "a new mommy." He went through a phase last year where he regularly told me he never wanted to have to find a new mommy again. It breaks my heart to think of how many children are out there waiting for new mommies.

Last night I was not feeling well. I told Jacob that we were going to bed a little early because I did not feel well. He immediately became quiet and asked if I was going to die. I told him I wouldn't and that I would feel better in the morning. He stated again that he doesn't want to find a new mommy. I reminded him that he would live with Uncle Chuck if anything ever does happen to me. He stated he doesn't want to live with Uncle Chuck. He wants me to be his mommy. I hugged him and let him sleep with me. He laid touching me all night and asked this morning if I felt better. I was touched that he was so worried about me but also sad that a child his age still worries that he could be orphaned again.

M has been expressing similar fears lately but his don't deal with my death. He told me last week, "Mom, I choose you." I asked for what. He stated, "To be my mom." He also went through a few weeks when I went back to school where he would ask if I would come back for him. He would physically relax and begin playing when I assured him I would.

These two boys are just like so many other little boys and girls out there. They just want to know they are loved, cared for and have a forever family. M is still a foster child but I really hope that he won't be for much longer. I heard last night it could be a couple of years before he is "out of the system." For his sake, I hope it goes much quicker than that.

More Thoughts On Single Parenting

Lately my foster home consultant has been asking some very interesting questions and ones that are difficult to hear. She is expecting to have to write a report in the near future about how well M is fitting into my home and if this placement is a good placement. It raises both anxieties and excitement to know that big milestones are coming. None of which I can talk about hear until the process is completed.

One of the questions she has asked a couple times is how I am handling being a single mom. I guess this is difficult to answer for a variety of reasons.

1) I have never been a mom with a partner so this is the only parenting I know. I really don't know if it is any more difficult than with a partner. I am sure it is nice to have a partner who is active in raising the children and can give the mom a break occassionally. At the same time, it is easier than living with a non-supportive partner who may or may not be there physically but isn't there emotionally or is abusive. It is also easier than having a partner who disagrees strongly with your beliefs in parenting.

2) I get to make all of the decisions. Yes, I second guess just about all of them. After all, I am raising future adults not just children.

3) Yes there are days that are difficult. There are also days that are absolutely wonderful where we all go to bed late because I just don't want to see them end. The good days definitelly outnumber the bad days. I really think all families have these good and bad days.

4) I do get breaks. There are a lot of people out there who think single parents must never get time away. Not true. I just need to be more diligent to actually schedule alone time. Right now it is one evening a week (softball). This fall it will be on Tuesday evenings while I drive to school. I don't have time to pick the kids up from daycare and drive them to a babysitter on those days so I will be leaving straight from work. I will have 4 hours of driving time and a quick dinner to reflect on life and just be me.

5) I have two great kids. Yes they challenge me but I know how lucky I am. We don't have major attachment issues or developmental issues. M had a number of challenging behavioral issues earlier this year. Over the past couple of months, they have improved greatly. I no longer think he will be struggling for years to come. I now know it is a phase and that he will get better. I also am not looking forward to the impossible 3's with him but we will get through it together.

6) Jacob is outgrowing the impossible 3s! He is looking and acting more and more like the 4 year old he will be in just a few months. I sometimes wonder if he isn't 2-3 months older than his estimated birthdate. Not enough to do anything about but I still wonder. Just based on his development.

7) I have a very strong support system and have never felt like I am raising these kids on my own. Because I'm not. When they just won't listen to me, I call someone they will listen to. That is usually my parents. I find it is really helpful to have another adult tell the kids they have to listen and that Mom is (and will always be) right.

So basically, I don't see single parenting as the huge challenge the media and popular culture want to make it out to be. Of course, I don't have ex husbands or boyfriends to struggle with, be hurt by or try to share parenting with. I do have a very strong support system of friends and family who are always available when I need help or a break. I also really love my kids and enjoy spending time with them. Even on the bad days.

Bikes For Foster Kids

Jacob has a bike parade at school. I was amazed to find out that 2 of the kids in his class don't own bicycles. One of the little boys stated he had to leave it at D's house. I don't know how D is or what this little boy's history is. It made me think of all of the children placed in foster care though. While many foster parents own bicycles for the children to use, I have known very few that actually had bikes they could take with them when they moved on. Even in my home, the foster children do not have bikes. I have several bikes but they belong to the "family." The foster children are not allowed to take them with them and they definitelly don't own them. They can use them while they are here but then they must leave them for the next foster children who come along.

I am not sure why I never thought about the impact of having to leave a bike behind. I saw it on the face of this little boy yesterday though. It was obvious he really missed having his own bike. Jacob took an extra bike from our house for these two kids to share at school. Again, it isn't their bike though and they will have to return it for "the next kid."

Maybe in the future, I can organize a bike drive for foster children. It would be nice to have a number of bikes donated each Spring to be given to foster children who do not currently have a bike or who have outgrown their bikes. It would make the children feel more like their friends and one less way to emphasize that they are foster children. As one four year old child in my home put it, "I don't want to be a foster kid. I want to be just a kid." Having a bike would be one way for her to feel like "just a kid."

If anyone has any ideas how a project like this could be accomplished or wants to help, let me know. I doubt I will have time to work on it this year but maybe after I finish graduate school I can start it. Just a simple way to help the kids just be kids.

Why Don't You Look Like Your Brother?

My cousin adopted her daughter from foster care about 7 years ago. When the little girl was in preschool, another child asked her why she didn't look like her mom and sister. My cousin then told her she was adopted.

Jacob has always known he was adopted and we talk openly about how we are different. We have discussed everything from how our eyes are the same color to the different skin colors and tones and why he uses olive oil in his hair while M needs special lotions. We don't really discuss it in terms of race but rather just in the way people are different. Of course, there are times when we discuss race but it is not nearly as often as just why we are different and how we are different.

While attending a reunion with other families in our Ehtiopian travel group, I was reminded of the conversation my cousin had with her daughter a few years ago. While Jacob goes to a very diverse daycare, most of the kids look like their siblings and only a few come from multi-racial families and backgrounds.

On the way home, I decided to ask Jacob about this. Here is the conversation we had.

Mommy: Jacob, do kids at school ever ask you why you don't look like M?

Jacob: Yes. Sometimes.

Mommy: What do you tell them?

Jacob: What?

Mommy: What do you tell the kids when they ask why you don't look like your brother?

Jacob: Because I'm Jacob.

Mommy: Oh. So you tell them you look like Jacob and that's why you don't look like M.

Jacob: Yes.

Future Adoptive Families Need Help

Adoption is expensive and many families need help paying for their children's adoptions. My family was no different. As the law states now, families can take a tax credit for their adoption expenses up to about $12,000. Families who choose to adopt children with special needs from the US foster care system can claim the entire credit without any expenses.

This tax credit has helped countless children find forever families. It helped make Jacob's adoption possible and I hope to take the credit for M's adoption as well.

The problem is that the bill is set to sunset at the end of 2010. There is a new bill in committee that would repeal the sunset and make the tax credit permanent. Please help children find forever families and families be able to afford an adoption. Here is a link to an article on rainbowkids.com about the bill and how to help.

www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=639

Mother's Day To All The Past Present and Future Moms

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. At church tonight, the student pastor said a prayer for all of the past, present and future moms. I loved it. I know several women who are in the middle of adoption processes and those still considering how and when to become a mom. This prayer included them and I thought it was wonderful.

I remember how it felt to be waiting to become a mom on mother's day. While I love my mom and wanted to celebrate her, the day itself was very difficult. I remember crying and wondering if my dream of motherhood would ever come true. I can now say that if a woman is committed and willing to be flexible, it will happen. It may take more time or the child may come in an unexpected way but motherhood will happen.

On this mother's day, I look at my children and stand amazed. I am amazed that I have been blessed to be with two beautiful boys. One is legally mine and one I am honored to parent for as long as the law allows. I am amazed that God has entrusted their lives to me and that they smile and call me "Mommy."

I also look at them during this time of year and think of their first moms. I think of Jacob's Ethiopian mom and wonder how she found the strength and courage to make an adoption plan. I wonder what she is doing today and if she is thinking about him. I pray for her often but more during this time of year. I hope she is doing well and that she is able to see my reports on him and how well he is doing. I still dream of taking Jacob to meet her again when he is a little older and pray that she will be healthy enough to see him. I know that she wants to.

I owe Jacob's Ethiopian mother a debt of gratitude. What do you say to the woman who gave birth to your son and loved him enough to say good-bye? I didn't know what to say two years ago and I don't know what to say to her now. Thank you seems so inadequate and yet it is all I have. While I know she probably still sheds tears for him, I hope that she also feels peace. We talk about her often and I tell Jacob that he is loved by two moms. That much I know is true.

M's history is a little different and I can't divulge details here. I do think about his mom also and am thankful that I have met her. Whatever happens from here, I also know that he is loved. Rather than go into details about my thoughts about her, I will just say that I think about her often also. I hope that she finds peace and happiness. I know that she and I may have our differences but one thing we do have in common is that we both love a very special little boy. So, I wish her happy mother's day as well.

Of course, I also wish my mom a happy mother's day. I never really realized how much we had in common until I also became a mom. We don't always agree (what parent and child does) but we do love each other. I know my mom is always here for me to love me, support me and encourage me. She shares her wisdom with me as well as her faith and love. I hope she has a wonderful mother's day. I also hope that I make her as happy and proud as my boys make me every day.

Tomorrow is mother's day. Brooke is being confirmed and baptized so we won't be concentrating as much on mother's day as in the past. My children will be with me and I get to see my "mentee" confess her faith. I can't think of a better mother's day.

Cleaning House

It is time. The worst part of adoption for me. I have to begin to think about preparing for another home study. While there has been no move to begin the adoption process for M, I was told to start thinking about it. That means cleaning top to bottom and having my entire life scrutinized by a stranger. Not exactly fun.

Those people that know me know that I hate to clean. I had a cleaning service for a short period of time but had to stop due to expenses. I am serious considering tryign to find a way to get it back into the budget. I'm not sure how but it may be the best thing for us right now. Anyone know a good housekeeper in this area?

I also want to begin to get my house in order and cleaned up in case I decide to move in the next two years. I have begun today but have a long way to go. My first priority is to begin to clean out the toys. After 2 years home, Jacob has acquired a lot of toys and many have not been used in a very long time. My plan is to go through them in the near future while the boys are at school. I will keep them in the basement for a little while to make sure there aren't any toys that they really wanted and are now misisng. I'll also start with the toys at the bottom of the toy baskets that haven't seen daylight in the past year.

The next goal will be to get the walls repainted and a new rug for the dining room. I will probably end up replacing the living room carpet as well but I'm really not looking forward to it. I'll see what I can do with just hiring a professional to come in and clean it.

The next few weeks will be very busy. I have a lot of things I want to get done before another home study/adoption study and before I can sell my house.

A Stressful and Busy Week

I have spent much of today apologizing for all of the people I have failed to get back to in the past couple of weeks. This has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. So what was the big deal? M's mom had a court date this week that could have returned M home without any safeguards or belief that he would be safe. To say that I was stressed was an understatement. I can't really go into details here except to say that there were a lot of people worried. Thankfully, the court decision was for him to remain in my home.

We really haven't done much besides worry and try to lead as much of a normal life as possible. Jacob has decided he just wants a nice quiet night at home so we are skipping gymnastics and staying home. He seems to be getting tired of gymnastics and doesn't seem to enjoy it like he did last fall. I have pretty much decided that next month will be our last month for awhile.

So for now, life continues on. I am ready to enjoy a few days off work. I actually have a weekend off work. That only happens about once a month so it is always exciting. Two of my cats have to go to the vet tomorrow for a dentist appointment. I plan to spend time looking for scholarships and grants for school. I need to make some progress on laundry and cleaning. I also plan to spend time with the kids I mentor and some family time with my boys.

The weekend is suppose to be cold with rain and snow. I am hoping to think of some fun inexpensive activities to do over the next three days. Leave a comment if you have any good ideas for us.

Weekend Recap

E spent the weekend at our house. It was great seeing her and a reminder of how important a stable family is. We all need a family and home we know will always be there for us. Unfortunately, not all children have this. E is one of those kids and I really hope she finds a permanent and loving home soon. It is always hard to say goodbye to her.

The weekend went well. We went to the children's museum (see previous post) on Thursday. Friday we saw the circus with a group of friends. The kids really enjoyed it. E kept asking to go back to the "popcorn show" again. Jacob was a little disappointed there wasn't a lion there this year but he did enjoy the tigers and clowns.

Jacob went to a friend's house for most of the day on Saturday. I took E and M shopping during the day. I found clearance coats for Jacob. They were $13 marked down from $65. They look really warm and had the next two sizes Jacob will need. I was also able to take advantage of some early sales and get some t-shirts and pants for Jacob and M.

I found some markers that only color on special paper for M. He has a very bad habit of hiding markers and coloring on walls, the dishwasher, books, toys and just about everything he can think of when no one is looking. I have even caught him hiding markers in his sleeves and trying to sneak them into his room. Hopefully, the new markers will discourage this since they don't work except on the paper. I hate making a rule he can't color but I really don't have much choice with traditional colors. He will wait patiently until I get distracted and then run to hide the markers. These markers will be much better than just banning coloring all together which is what I have done the past few weeks.

Jacob and E really enjoy going to church school so we went Saturday and Sunday. The kids had a blast. M wasn't feeling well on Sunday so my mom took Jacob and E to McDonald's for lunch. I took M home and put him down for a nap. He woke up feeling much better and back to his normal self. I love how quickly young children can get over mild illnesses.

I lost my cellphone somewhere during the day on Saturday. I searched everywhere and called it several times but it seems to have disappeared. I was able to renew my plan early and got a new pink blackberry pearl yesterday. It is the same phone as I lost but this year's model. It seems to get better reception and has a few new programs I am trying to learn.

Overall, the weekend was a hit. The kids had a great time together and I enjoyed spending time with them. I am anxious to get another foster child but also know it could be awhile. I am trying to work on patience and concentrate on loving the children in my home now.

Looking For Good Books

I recently met a woman who is in her late 70s and fosters difficult children 0-10 years old. She will take the children that other foster homes do not want. Not only will she take them, she takes up to four at a time. I have no idea how she does. I struggle when I just have one child with behavioral issues.

I have been thinking about this woman and the skills she must have that I don't have. I have decided to try to read and educate myself on parenting some of our more difficult children. I just ordered a couple books online but am looking for suggestions. If you have a favorite parenting book, please leave a comment. I would love to add some tools and skills to my parenting tool box for future use.

I would also like some tips on handling difficult children. I am trying to be more positive with the kids. That seems to be working. I also stick to a fairly strict routine while still trying to allow the kids to just be kids. Leave a comment if you have some good parenting tips as well.