Still Struggling With Death

My kids both have fears of being orphaned. Jacob still remembers waiting for "a new mommy." He went through a phase last year where he regularly told me he never wanted to have to find a new mommy again. It breaks my heart to think of how many children are out there waiting for new mommies.

Last night I was not feeling well. I told Jacob that we were going to bed a little early because I did not feel well. He immediately became quiet and asked if I was going to die. I told him I wouldn't and that I would feel better in the morning. He stated again that he doesn't want to find a new mommy. I reminded him that he would live with Uncle Chuck if anything ever does happen to me. He stated he doesn't want to live with Uncle Chuck. He wants me to be his mommy. I hugged him and let him sleep with me. He laid touching me all night and asked this morning if I felt better. I was touched that he was so worried about me but also sad that a child his age still worries that he could be orphaned again.

M has been expressing similar fears lately but his don't deal with my death. He told me last week, "Mom, I choose you." I asked for what. He stated, "To be my mom." He also went through a few weeks when I went back to school where he would ask if I would come back for him. He would physically relax and begin playing when I assured him I would.

These two boys are just like so many other little boys and girls out there. They just want to know they are loved, cared for and have a forever family. M is still a foster child but I really hope that he won't be for much longer. I heard last night it could be a couple of years before he is "out of the system." For his sake, I hope it goes much quicker than that.