Barack Obama has made the news lately calling for African American men to take parenting seriously. A lot of attention has been made to the fact that he is from a single mom. While I don't know a lot about his mother or why she made the decisions she did, I do know that single parents shouldn't always be discussed as a problem. Becoming a single mom is not a decision I took lightly but it is one that I am glad I made. My son and I are blessed to have each other and love each other dearly. Sure there are days that he wishes he had a father just as their are days I wish I had found the right person to marry. There were also days when I was younger that I wished I had a sister, lived closer to cousins, was more athletic, etc.
Ninety-nine percent of the time being a single parent does not affect Jacob and me. There are many benefits to having a spouse to help raise children but there are also many benefits to being single. I have met many women who stay in bad relationships because they are afraid to raise their children alone. Children need loving and stable homes but that does not always mean having two parents. They need a home that has enough financial stability to know that there will be food on the table, school supplies on the first day of school and electricity to turn on the lights.
For all of those people who are in bad relationships and afraid to leave or just considering becoming a single parent, here are some of the benefits:
1) You get to make ALL the decisions. Yes, it is important to have friends and family you can discuss these decisions with but in the end it is your decision. If you want to enroll your child in a program or make attending church mandatory, you can.
2) Your child will know at the end of the day that you will be there and that home is a safe place. While this occurs in many two parent families, it does not always occur. A single parent home is much better than one where one parent is always moving out or threatening to move out. It is much better than when a parent is constantly coming and going from the child's life.
3) You get to do everything traditionally done by the father. I get to teach my son how to through a football and hit a baseball. I get to take him on his first fishing trip and camping trip. I get to show him that a woman can fix an outlet, change a doorknob, mow the lawn and do all of the other things traditionally thought of as chores for men.
4) Your child will motivate you to take a good look at your family and friends and try to expand your social networking. I am always on the lookout for positive male role models as well as diverse activities. I want Jacob to grow up celebrating the different ways families are created as well as the many different cultures out there.
It is wonderful when fathers are involoved in their children's lives. Fathers should remain involved when they can contribute in a healthy way. The problem of fathers not supporting their child emotionally and financially does not mean that all single parent families are problems. There is a huge difference in a single mother without the means to support her children, without a good support network, and without stability in the home. That is not the life of many single mothers. Many single mothers work hard to produce a stable home with male role models and healthy adult friendships for the children. They have the money and careers necessary to have a stable home and provide their childern with what they need.
There are days that I need a break and a helping hand. That is true for all mothers. There are days that I wish I could spend more time with my son and that is also true for all mothers. Jacob may not have a dad but he does have an Uncle Chuck, Papi, male pastors, coaches, neighbors and friends. He will always have men around him who can teach him how to be a good man.
The problem is when children live in neighborhoods without men near them to show them how to be a good man. Who can't show them how to have a stable job because they have never had one. Who choose to be around people who abuse drugs or alcohol and teach the children that the way to make money is to commit illegal acts. Many of the children in these situation live with single mothers but not all of them. Some have fathers who are in the home but still make these same poor choices. Other children are living with abusive fathers who are teaching them that the way to be a man is to control the people around you.
These are the children who need the love and support of caring adults. These are the families we should be concerned about. It's not that they have a single mom. It's that they don't have stability and positive adult role models showing them how to be a responsible and good adult. How to behave as a man and what a good man is. Without this, these children are at greater risk of growing up to commit crimes, abuse alcohol and drugs, believe that everyone goes to jail and breaks the law and will believe that all men hit and call people names.
Let's not focus on the single parent family as a problem. Instead, let's focus on the abusive and neglectful family. Let's focus on the neighborhoods with crimes being commited daily in front of children. Let's focus on those families that are not showing the children how to be responsible and good citizens. Single parents aren't the problem. Irresponsible parents and abusive parents are the problem.
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