Adjustments

I am finding some very large differences between helping a foster child adjust and attach versus a child coming to my home as an adoption. Jacob was an international adoption and was a permanent member of my family. I was able to take 12 weeks off work with him and just concentrate on learning to love each other and be a family.

M is my second foster child. With my first foster child, E, I took 4 weeks off work. I actually did not work the entire time she was with me. I found several problems with this. While I loved being at home, I knew her stay was temporary. I am only allowed 12 weeks a year of family leave so if I stay home for several weeks with each child, I risk not having time if more than two or three children come through in a year.

Another problem with taking extended time off work is that it disrupts Jacob's schedule. Even if I continue to send him to school, he knows that I am not working and our routines are slightly different. I feel that the disruption in our schedules and routines means he loses the security of having a consistent schedule and knowing what will be coming each day.

I know that spending time away from work and focusing on M's needs will help with attachment. I also know how very important attachment is in foster children. M shows no signs of having attachment issues but that doesn't mean he or any other foster child couldn't develop them if he is moved around a lot or not given the chance to appropriately attach in a family. The problem is that I need to balance this need and his need to adjust on his own timetable to the other needs of the family.

This time I did not take nearly as much time off work. I do not know if M will be with me for just a few months or if it will last many months. I decided to take two weeks off work. This allowed for us to have some time together but also allowed me to return to work without using all of my vacation and sick leave. I was originally only going to take two or three days off as suggested to me by some other foster parents. After just a couple days, I knew this wasn't in M's best interest.

M began daycare full time yesterday. I guess he was quite tearful all day but did seem to be happy to see me when I picked him up. Jacob really seems to be more relaxed now that our regular routine is back. I think M could have used a few more days home but that would have come at a huge expense to the rest of us.

Adjustments are always difficult. It has only been two weeks and there is already improvement. I know that it will continue to improve over the next few weeks. I seem to get better at helping the children through this period with each child I have. Each child has his/her own needs and displays their feelings differently but I am getting better at reading them. I am getting better at soothing young children feeling insecure and vulnerable.

I know that the adjustment process will get better with each foster child who comes. Jacob will get better at sharing my attention and having another child around. I will get better at meeting everone's needs more efficiently and better at figuring out when it is a need I can meet as opposed to just part of the grieving process the children must go through. The foster children will still have the same challenges while adjusting and trying to attach to a new caregiver. They won't change. But the changes Jacob and I have to make will come easier.

If any of you are experienced foster parents and have suggestions for the attachment/adjustment process, let me know. Otherwise, I will just continue to learn as I continue to help God's children one child at a time.