Saturday, June 19, 2010

Doubting My Parenting Skills

I love to be complimented just like anyone else and since this is my blog I can brag a little. I admit that over the past few weeks I have questioned my parenting abilities and skills. The whole day care drama had me doubting my ability to adequately parent my children or even assess them. Was my mama bias so huge that I couldn't see how disturbed my children were or their severe behavioral disabilities? I saw them as normal and happy children who could be challenging at times just like any other kid. Everyone away from the day care told me that my children were wonderful and fine but I still had this doubt lingering. It caused me to be overly critical of anything the children or I did that might look like a behvioral problem. While it definitelly caused me to be harder on the kids than normal, I internalized most of it and just worried.

The early childhood evaluator stopped by earlier this week and we talked for quite awhile about my kids. We had actually talked about two weeks earlier at length on the phone. Over the phone she stated they sounded like normal children who are thriving and not afraid to explore the world. I was hoping she would be able to see M and Jacob on Thursday but Jacob was sick so she only got to see M.

The evaluator was not only very happy with how M is doing and what evidence she could see of Jacob (good school evaluation, artwork and things M told her about him)she thanked me for being a foster parent. She stated my children appear to be thriving and she was impressed with my parenting skills. She also stated that she doesn't often tell people they should have more children but she believes I could have ten and handle it all. She stated she hopes I continue to work as a foster parent and adopt more children.

The truth is I am not sure how much longer I will be a foster parent. I have begun preparing for a career change and am not sure that I will remain in foster care. I know I am not accepting any new placements for awhile until I decide where my next child will be from and when I will be ready to accept that child. Life needs to slow down a little before I try to help my family and a child learn to live together. Foster children often need lots of time and attention to begin to feel safe and overcome their past abuse and trauma. I just don't have that kind of time right now. God will lead me to the child that is right for my home. He led me to Jacob and M and He will show me my next child also. I know this. I just really don't think it will be 10 kids!

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